Goodnight

All of a sudden it's December again, just like always but this year we've had almost no rain. The skies have been dry and it feels like Montana. Any time the wind drops below freezing I feel like a girl again pulling on boots over woolen socks. Today I had to scrape the windows ever so slightly and I remembered shucking ice off of the windshield every morning before grad school. Sometimes my dad would drive by my house on his way to work and do it for me.

It's December and I'm nostalgic again. I'm making cookies with the girls and giant paper stars for the windows. I want to cry because I can't figure out how to balance being a good mother with a good housekeeper and good wife and somehow be amazingly social and have hobbies too- ones I'm skilled at. Then I get over it for a second, remembering the stories my grandmother tells about mothering, or the assurances my husband gives me about hobbying. There will be hobbying again soon in my future. I'm at that happy edge.

The girls are these big, bright lights. They are so strong and interesting. Abigail breaks my heart when she tells me daddy is her favorite. She misses him and I understand, but still. Gwenyth snuggles me up. I wonder how to keep cool and mellow. I want Abi to know it's okay if daddy is her favorite sometimes. I can be okay with runner up.

I want to scream into the heavens with joy because we sold our house and that's something of a miracle. I want to tuck myself in with a song. I am strong and bright and interesting too. Children are such funny creatures. Never have I loved so deeply. Never have I learned so much.